tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5530298882470075663.post8627069947603069437..comments2023-04-25T16:31:22.967-07:00Comments on David Vandepeer - BA Hons CG Arts and Animation: Unit 4: Revised 3 Act StructureStitchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10703950470101020401noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5530298882470075663.post-52058994235501604142012-02-16T08:46:04.536-08:002012-02-16T08:46:04.536-08:00Okay - much better now - but you need to tell your...Okay - much better now - but you need to tell your audience that the ex-worker is plotting revenge - because right now it's not clear why he returns to the factory in the first place - he could be going their to nick stuff! We need to see him - maybe through a day-dream sequence - imagining him picking the lock, getting up into the office, and the CEO coming in to find the ex-worker, who spins around in the big leather chair, who is now wearing a huge pair of boxing gloves - or something like that - and then, you cut to him doing for real - picking the lock - and then bam! comes the fist.<br /><br />Also - I really don't think you need any of the stuff now about his card not working; just have him being fired by the CEO, and the body-guard chucking him out - your audience gets it - he's been fired.<br /><br />The thing about the 'Win-Shield' is nice - but potentially a bit abstract - so you'll have to find a way to get this on screen in a quickly comprehendable way. But yes - this is a few wrinkles away from being ready to go.<br /><br />Oh - and I don't think you need the punchline after the punchline - quit your story at 'Hit Tresspassers where it hurts' - 'The End'<br /><br />(I'm just wondering if you might have a 'Norton' gag in their somehow - the CEO's name or the body-guard's name - a little in-joke re. virus protection...)tutorphilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11842833126210822641noreply@blogger.com