ACT 1
The Setup
• An overcrowded factory floor is seen, a nervous man named Alastair separates from a crowd of machine operators carrying what appears to be a broken computer.
• Alastair steps aboard a lift & chooses the sixth floor – labelled “6 - Miles Harkin CEO”.
• Alastair is escorted from the lift by Harkins “Giant” bodyguard Andreas.
• Alastair enters the CEO’s pristine office; he creeps towards the middle of the room & places the broken computer on the desk.
Inciting Incident
• The CEO Miles Harkin aka “the Tyrant” turns from his window view and glances at the computer and then glances with scorn at a nervous Alastair.
• Alastair runs out of the door, “the Tyrant” signals Andreas, who follows Alastair in a fury.
• A beaten Alastair exits the ground floor elevator & attempts to re-enter the factory floor which will no longer accept his security card.
• “The Giant” Andreas appears and hands Alastair a piece of paper – his notice which declares that he is being fired.
• An irate Alastair throws the paper to the floor & begins yelling at Andreas.
• Andreas picks up Alastair with one hand & throws him outside like a Javelin.
ACT 2
First Main Reversal
• Alastair returns to the factory at night, he begins picking the lock of the exterior factory door.
• The door opens to Alastair’s surprise, he steps through the door & is met by a giant fist, Alastair is knocked away from the door.
The Increasing Conflict
• Alastair notices an open window on the third floor of the Controtech Factory; he throws a rappel hook & begins scaling the building.
• Alastair does not notice that Andreas is pulling him up to the window.
• Andreas cuts the rappel rope in front of Alastair.
• Alastair crashes toward the ground.
ACT 3
Pre-Climax Build
• Alastair returns dragging a massive contraption masked in assorted rags, he rummages under the rags to reveal a retractable viewfinder, he aims the viewfinder at the sixth floor window of the Controtech factory - CEO Harkins Office.
• Alastair removes the rags from the contraption to reveal a life sized catapult.
Climax/Anti Climax
• Alastair jumps on board the catapult and fires himself to the sixth floor of the Controtech factory.
• Alastair impacts the glass like a bug on a wind shield.
• The boss hears the impact on his window and turns noticing Alastair stuck.
• The boss smiles at Alastair before running back to his desk to finish writing his proposal for a revolutionary firewall which has now been entitled “Win-shield” - thanks to Alastair.
• The boss retrieves a camera and takes a picture of Alastair stuck on the window.
End
• Several months later the factory floor is working full force producing the new must have computer protection Software “Win-shield”.
• The image on the cover is of Alastair stuck to Harkins window with the caption reading:
• Following his successful promotion idea Alastair is given a job back at the Controtech factory running public relations.“Hit the trespassers where it hurts”.
• His next promotion for the protection software has the tagline:
“Lose the Giant body guard - get Win-shield a true Tyrants defence”.
Okay - much better now - but you need to tell your audience that the ex-worker is plotting revenge - because right now it's not clear why he returns to the factory in the first place - he could be going their to nick stuff! We need to see him - maybe through a day-dream sequence - imagining him picking the lock, getting up into the office, and the CEO coming in to find the ex-worker, who spins around in the big leather chair, who is now wearing a huge pair of boxing gloves - or something like that - and then, you cut to him doing for real - picking the lock - and then bam! comes the fist.
ReplyDeleteAlso - I really don't think you need any of the stuff now about his card not working; just have him being fired by the CEO, and the body-guard chucking him out - your audience gets it - he's been fired.
The thing about the 'Win-Shield' is nice - but potentially a bit abstract - so you'll have to find a way to get this on screen in a quickly comprehendable way. But yes - this is a few wrinkles away from being ready to go.
Oh - and I don't think you need the punchline after the punchline - quit your story at 'Hit Tresspassers where it hurts' - 'The End'
(I'm just wondering if you might have a 'Norton' gag in their somehow - the CEO's name or the body-guard's name - a little in-joke re. virus protection...)